Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Toxic Shame

The root of Narcissism is toxic shame. The Narcissist realizes there is a defect within himself and feels shame. In order to avoid the shame and the cause of it, he lives in a fantasy world. In this fantasy world, he can be whomever and whatever he wants to be. His "true self", the one that holds the toxic shame is rarely seen to those on the outside. Instead they see the person the Narcissist wishes he could be.
There are two reasons why it is believed that Narcissists carry toxic shame. One is that during his developmental years he was not given the constant care that was needed by his primary care giver, usually his mother. This lead the Narcissist to believe that he was "unworthy" of love and to soothe himself, he literally blocked the need to have love. He built a fortress of indifference around himself so, that he couldn't feel the pain of what he believed was his unworthiness. This deep rooted manifestation stayed with him throughout his whole life and it is the reason why he cannot possess true intimacy and the reason for his very short lived, superficial relationships. He will not let anyone penetrate his fortress because he cannot bear the thought of that toxic shame he has carried inside him from infancy/ toddler years. Instead he will dump them and remind himself he doesn't need anyone to make him happy, in fact the only one he can depend on is himself. The people he has had relationships during the years have proven themselves unworthy by either leaving him when they realized his defect, or after being discarded they sought retaliation by trying to expose his defect, either way they have shown everyone his whole life has let him down. The real problem is his own responsibility and behavior in the relationship, which he chooses to ignore and "project" on to the other partner, ridding himself of the shame. The second theory is that the Narcissist's mother was herself narcissistic and viewed the child as just an extension of herself. The only way she could feel good and show love to this child was when he made her look good. So, the narcissist learned quite early to become a play actor. He learned that he needed to be the brightest, or most athletic, or any other qualities that gave his mother the means by which to adore him, equating that with love. The narcisstic mother never really showed true love so the Narcissist is void of that true intimacy and believes he needs to perform and be adored and given adulation to feel worthy. Without the adoration, the Narcissist revisits the toxic shame that he had when he believed that he was insignificant to his mother unless he was performing. His whole life is a performance to extract the attention he has craved his entire life.
Here are some links to understand healthy and toxic shame and the problems that follow into adulthood without addressing them.





  1. In my case both theories could apply. His mother is a narcissistic animal. She paid him little attention except when he was playing sports. In his junior high years she moved out leaving four children with out an adult in the home. Only came home on the weekend. I think she was a prostitute. She dismissed his sexual abuse by family members. He was obviously over reacting. A friend of hers molested him. That wasn't dealt with either. That said he is a monster. He lies cheats steals and is addicted to crack cocaine. I fell for his stupid act. For more than two years. He stole my car four times. I've been no contact for three weeks and im going to be ok.

  2. You will be better than ok. NC is the way to go, to rid yourself of their toxicity and for you to have clearness in your OWN thoughts and not those that are reactive to the manipulation. We all fall for their stupid act, as they present "their false self" to woo and seduce you, during "the seduction phase". It's not their first rodeo They are chameleons and will be anything they think will provide them with adoration and adulation. They want to "mirror" themselves with you so, the more you believe how wonderful they are, the more they believe how wonderful they are, until the masks slips and the "real self" rears it's ugly head. Be well. "after looking the beast in the eye, we close the door on the past, not to forget it but, not to let it imprison us anymore"~Desmond Tutu