Tuesday, October 9, 2012

The cruel abuser

The abuse a victim incurs from the Narcissist comes in many forms. During the initial and into the devaluing stages of a relationship with a Narcissist the abuse is covert (http://www.drirene.com/forms/more_covert_abuse.htm ). As the relationship progresses so too does the  abuse, it now becomes more overt  and much more mean spirited. During the discard phase the abuse is out right cruel. It is meant to sting and leave it's victim emotionally battered. When the Narcissist has sucked the life out of his victim and she no longer is willing to adore him or idolize him because of the increasing severity of abuse, she begins to fight back to try and regain her self esteem. The Narcissist being paranoid and in need of the constant narcissistic supply, and desperate to keep his illness a secret,  must now take measures to do damage control. This damage control is meant to weaken and break the will of his victim . He wants her to be silenced and believe she was the cause of all that was wrong in the relationship. The covert abuse is gone and the game plan is seek and destroy. The Narcissist knows he is on his way to a new supply, or has even found one so, to use the old adage he will be more than happy to  "kick her when she is down" so his secret stays safe. During the discard phase, I had no idea what was happening. I called the Narcissist several times to talk about the behavior that was occurring. Most times he would not answer the phone (an abuse form called withholding). When I did reach him he would pick up and I would be at the other end of his narcissistic rage. Then, I didn't know what was going on. I was completely unaware of the evil I was in close proximity to but, now all bets were off. His "mask" of normalcy was now off. It was sheer pleasure for him to bring me to tears. His response to the crying was " what the hell is wrong with you?" " I am grief stricken" was my reply. I lost someone I loved and that I believed to be my best friend, none of which I knew was an act. He said" well, unstrick yourself and don't call me again". Not believing or comprehending what was going on, I called back several times, upset at his reaction, to which was only met with even crueler words..Don't call me again you whore, you c*nt, you are nothing but a pig and a cow. I don't want to ever hear from you again. I tried to remain composed and said I know you don't mean that, so why are you saying it? His response was I mean every word. He was done with me and on to the next victim. There was no ending on good terms, I was simply  discarded, it didn't phase him in the least as he had his new supply source in place. It was just that simple to him. There were no more niceties or courtesies, it was an all out assault, meant to be cruel and leave me (the victim) devastated, so the soulless Narcissist could feel powerful over breaking her do own. The Narcissist lacks empathy and conscience, so the other 95% of the population would never do this, nor understand how a human being could. The victim as a part of the 95% of the normal "feeling" population is left with unanswered questions, raw emotions and unbearable pain. There are no apologies, no last goodbyes, no closure.  I would imagine no human being would like this type of treatment, let alone from someone they loved, deeply cared about and helped during the course of the relationship, with the inane hope that the Narcissist would come around and change. The fact is the Narcissist is incapable of change, furhtermore he believes there is nothing wrong with him and there is no need for change. He is like a hurricane swirling victims off their feet and leaving everything in the victim's path turned upside down. The real impact of what the Narcissist does comes some time later when he himself reminisces of his past abuse. The narcissist once said  " I can't believe you would do anything to help me, I was such a piece of shit to you (somehow that didn't make me feel better because now I was fully aware that he was aware of what he was doing) and the I never mean to hurt you....really? what did you mean to do when you called me those horrendous names, or just one day decided not to pick up your phone?  The Narcissist does not want the victim to retaliate so will say just about anything to avoid this, even hint at, or threaten suicide. He will never do it, it's all to feign his sorrow, which he feels none. He just does not want to be exposed for what he truly is. I often wonder how many people he abused and left in the same manner, that thought or contemplated suicide. I am sure he didn't care if they did or didn't well,  maybe he in fact would care if they did, because that kind of influence is a powerful jolt of supply. They say suicide occurs when the pain is no longer bearable to the person experiencing it. I would imagine every one of the Narcissist's victims has felt this unimaginable pain, but not the Narcissist himself. He feels empty and lost because of the poor decisions and choices he has made throughout his life but, without being able to feel true love, I would doubt he could ever feel that depth of  his victim's adness.  What the Narcissist hopes, is that his victim will never be as ambivalent to his feelings, or cruel to him , the way he has been to so many others. He is counting on the fact that they won't. They are too nice and that is exactly why he chose them as his victim. Ted Bundy pretended to have a broken leg and women would stop to assist him, he would use that ruse on many victims. They would bend down to pick up a book he dropped and he would push them in the back of his car and I think we all know the rest. He knew that most people are inherently good, he was defective and used their goodness as a conduit to conduct his evil plans. Quite the same as the narcissist, although he is not looking to kill his victim, only their spirit and everything that is good about them. Many victims even after the discard remain loyal to their betrayer. This is what the Narcissist hopes. He will use any manipulation to get his victim, that he has just run over with a steam roller, to be compliant. " Why are you doing this to me?" " I never meant to hurt you?" and other cries of innocence will be his tactics. These are just more head games to play upon your heartstrings.  Do not be fooled, hurting people  is just what the Narcissist meant to do. He feels completed nothingness in his life and wants everyone to feel as miserable as he does. Misery does love company and narcissist love to make people miserable. They are emotional vampires, sucking all the goodness out of their victims to try and feed his loathsome self and then when he's done he will start the cycle all over again, no matter how painful it is for the people, or lives he has destroyed.  The victim is truly the one with a "target on her back" , from the first time the Narcissist summed her up and found her to have all the qualities he has never possessed in his miserable existence. The game is on and the unwilling victim has no idea of her impending fate. The Narcissist knows the true nature of the tete-a-tete and revels in his mastery of the dance. Each phase so well rehearsed and each victim measured and observed to increase the intensity for the next victim. It is a convoluted and cruel relationship,with the Narcissist holding all the power and control and delighting in the game, from seduction to destruction. He is fully aware what he is doing, Yes, he means to hurt because if he can witness the hurt he causes, just like a serial killer this is how he gets pleasure in his unfeeling soul. The Narcissist is bewildered when his victim strikes back and will convey how much this behavior hurts him. He doesn't feel sadness, he feels his "entitlement" has been withdrawn and his grandiose ego is hurt. He believes he is above this type of behavior. You had the opportunity to spend time with him, why would you want to take away a chance of that  happening again? He is also a coward and does not want to be called on his pathological behavior and will minimize his role and not want any form of punishment. He will deny his responsibility and shift the blame onto his victim. Just like Hitler, who killed himself to avoid answering for his monstrous behavior, the Narcissist does not want to be called on his behavior and will go to great lengths not to be exposed for the vile sub human being that he is.  He will use anything he can over your head, including family and friends. He will then try the pity play, "you are ruining my life"...etc...but, trust in this- he does not care one iota what he has done to your life. Everything was and is about him, everything was for his gratification, even when he was seducing the victim. It was only done to gain the narcissistic supply, for him to see his image through her (believing he was a good and decent person) and feed off of that misconception.  He is not capable of being either a good nor a decent person, or even a person for that matter. During the devalue phase he is searching for,  or with someone else while extracting still  some form of  supply from his current victim, possibly in the form of her scurrying about to try and please him. " See how wonderful I am, this woman will do anything to please me", actually using his victim's love for him as a weapon to be used on herself. Then, last and certainly not least in the Narcissist's arsenal and further narcissistic supply is the discard phase. This is when the all out nuking occurs. He is volatile, outright vindictive and cruel. This to most people would not even be a type of behavior that is comprehensible but, the Narcissist feeds off the frenzy of his victim and her broken spirit. He takes great pride and feels indeed superior to his victim. To him, she is pathetic and not worth the dirt under his shoes. The victim has been made to feel this way from her abuser as well.. He feels more important than ever, so much more omnipotent than his true insignificant self. The victim remains in this altered state  until she can take back the power by exposing the Narcissist and his game so that he may not enact it on another unsuspecting victim. She also wants all to know the real person behind the mask. Just think how differently, as a victim your role would have been if there was knowledge as to the kind of person (or non person in this case) you are dealing with. Silence is acceptance. When the victim is done with the "shock" and grief that occurs she will realize and accept exactly the role she played in the Narcissists game. Hopefully, she will dust herself off, release herself of all the toxicity and negativeness from the pathological Narcissist and begin to fight back. She may go in and out of forgiveness and anger. The forgiveness is not necessarily for the Narcissist rather, the opportunity for the victim to rid herself of the negative energy. There is a saying that hating someone is a lot like drinking a bottle of poison and wanting the other person to die. That hate will eventually be released, the victim will move on, a little wiser, a little stronger but, no more loyal to her abuser.


  1. I can completely relate to you blog. I had a similar experience. Reading about narcissists and how they function has really helped me to stay away and not have any contact and move forward with my life. Please let me know your thoughts on my blog, narcissistlove.blogspot.com

  2. I won't clog up your page with a whole case history. This is important because I knew somebody before they were a narcissist and as they were turning into somebody with a problem. Friends are not a very efficient source of narcissistic supply because they have to be maintained. After everybody has left the narcissist or in my case has been sacked, treated little better than an employee the narcissist requires supply and the best way to do it is to start a cult and have followers, paying followers re-inforces the delusion the narcissist has that they are giving something to the world, instead it is manipulation on a larger scale, scamming behaviour without the need to deal with individuals. I do not think that the chronic narcissist can actually deal very well with even fair-weather friends. You can read about the descent into narcissism and the cult this has spawned http://andandand.tripod.com.narcissist.htm It's on old freespace so you might see a harmless advertising pop-up.

  3. Thanks for this blog I am grateful. My mom is a narcissistic mom she hurts me everyday.I am so angry at her because she has been emailing to my friends parents about my issues. She says that I have been hurtful and hateful to her,she plays the maryter role. I don't have friends anymore. She sabotages me everyday. Then she gives me ice cream then later into the night she will terrorize me and try to make me talk about my feelings so she can use it all against me. She told all her friends how I "abuse her" when she actually does to me. It's so hard, my dad backs her up and takes her side. Then they turn my siblings and family against me. The whole time I'm thinking that I'm the crazy one. Thank you so much for this blog! I can fully now understand about my narcissistic mom. God bless you!

  4. Replies
    1. My son married a narcissist, and they had children. That is a real hardship! Hearts everywhere were broken!