While trying to figure out the person that I was involved with, I had a suspicion that he may have an anti-social personality disorder. I didn't know much about the diagnosis but, I know he had trouble with crowds (it's like a psycho ward, his exact terminology was). When we spent time together it was usually holed up inside, away from others. This was a hard adjustment for me because I am very social as I had worked in retail nearly 20 years and before that I tended bar and waited tables, all of which require some form of congeniality. I earned a Bachelor's degree in History and upon meeting new people, especially immigrants I though each new meeting would offer a piece of history and culture to which I had not been exposed. There were many indications from his behavior and words, of which I should not have ignored when I listened to and observed them to firm up my suspicion of anti social personality disorder. First and foremost, the Narcissists was elusive about almost every aspect of his life.(red flag) I learned later on from a former girlfriend that he had a 20 year old son that he signed away parental rights to. He had no work history that could fill a resume (red flag). He eluded to his own abandonment by his father and many times was angry upon any talk of it, as well as his whole family that lived in another country, on another continent (red flag), I think I should have put that one together quicker. The Narcissist hated all different races, all religious beliefs and was filled with prejudice (red flag ) . His term for Mexicans was "beaners", he was of German descent and his terms for Jews was nothing I wish to share. He had preconceived notions about people of different races and was hostile about them (never to their face, he always, always wore his mask) and always had something negative to say about those he felt were "underneath" him . His dream was to buy a boat, keep it docked somewhere and when he grew tired of the people around him, up and leave and dock his boat somewhere else (red flag). Who thinks like this? He also wanted to be "the commander of his own vessel", which held a double entendre. While he wanted to own his own boat, he also didn't want to have to answer to anyone; not a boss, not the government and especially not a life long partner(that I learned much later). His dream was to use his live aboard boat to provide charters to visiting tourists in each of the ports he would visit. Come to think of it, he met me as a tourist and I think that the anonymity that this opportunity provided him was of huge advantages. In "Without Conscience" by Robert Hare, PhD he writes many sociopaths target people in bars, clubs and tourist venues. With a tourist, the Narcissist could be anybody he wanted to be. In his "fantasy world" that is exactly who he was. He had a whole community believing he was a Gulf War veteran and in the USMC for 8 years. While part of the Corp, he also claimed he was an MP and carried out many important secret missions (all lies). I did finally access his military records, as authorized under the Freedom of Information Act, through the Fake Warriors project http://www.fakewarriors.org . In actuality, he was in the Corp for about 10 months and discharged. After that he re-enlisted in the USAF and served for about 18 months, and was then again discharged, not finishing a two year service in either branch. The discharge status is not allowed to be released under the FOIA. The Narcissist claims that it is his right to have secrets and he is right, everyone has "skeletons in their closet" but, this was not a secret rather an all out fabrication. A secret may have played out something like this." I was in the service for about two years and did serve overseas. That service included time in the USMC" . That was not how he represented it. He use this ruse much to his gain. This "service" (I use the term loosely) occurred about 1988, when I met him in 2007, he still looked like he was a career military man. In fact I asked him, "Are you a jarhead?" the first time I met him. "Why yes ma'am I am". No sir (to which he does not deserve that distinction), you are not. He wore military style dress, cami colors, olive drab, khaki, and even combat boots, almost like he was stuck in a time warp. He also appeared to be a life size GI Joe. This is exactly "the mask" he chose. With this belief in place, he didn't have to explain his lifelong failures and trail of used and discarded victims. When people think of member of our armed services, especially Marines, they think of honorable men and women instantly, upon meeting. This was used an illusion to gain immediate admiration and respect, to which he deserved none. Men and women willing to put their lives at risk to defend and preserve our country, our way of life and our freedom all deserve great respect, to which he rode their coattails. I had witnessed strangers in bars buy him drinks and thank him for his service. We would be in public places and people would shake his hand and thank him for his service. All of this was that admiration and adulation that he needed to fill his void. It is a gross misrepresentation. Recently, legislation has been passed to make lying about military service a crime (http://www.boston.com/news/nation/washington/articles/2012/09/13/house_makes_lying_about_military_service_a_crime/), a brilliant move, but not far enough. This is where fake warriors comes in, reporting and running people's names of "fake military" members. To me, there is something utterly vile about lying about military service and it discredits and trivializes the real sacrifices made by the men and women of our armed forces. I didn't learn the true magnitude of the lies that were told to me until well after the encounter, when I tried to process what had just happened to me and create a timeline of his accounts and to try and verify the truthfulness of it. If letting me down was an Olympic sport, he was a gold medal winner. There was not an ounce of truth to almost anything he said. This behavior is meant to confuse the listener, for the sociopath to gain the upper hand and not allow his "true self" to be seen by perspective supply sources. It is mind boggling the depth of the lies and misrepresentations. What is so ironic is the sociopath many times told me I was the biggest liar he knew. (I recognize this now as "projection") (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychological_projection). I have received a "school of hard knocks" education. Yes, it behooved the sociopath to live a transient/nomadic lifestyle. This way most of his "encounters" would not be able to piece together that in actuality he was a vagrant (someone who lives with no visible means of support) and a con man.
While on my quest to identify the person perpetrating the fraud upon me, I Googled the term antisocial personality disorder and came up with the term sociopath. This new term yielded and c the Lovefraud blog. I was able to identify the sociopath/pathological narcissist for what he in fact was. It was all somewhat frightening, because the man I loved never existed. That charming, sweet man was a complete fabrication. The real man, was in fact a sociopath and pahological narcissist. I was now faced with the humiliation and shame that I was only used to for him to "grift" his way through life. It is a sad dose of reality. I would have been perfectly happy to not know people like this exist. I was naive. While visiting the Lovefraud blog, I really felt one writer stood out and fully understood the monster that had used, hurt and discarde me. The very first article that hit home was "The Silent (but deadly) treatment (http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2009/05/07/the-silent-but-deadly-treatment/) It by the writer Steve Becker a LCSW, he is by far my favorite contributor but all of the blog writers and the blog owner deserve to be mentioned for their help in creating and understanding sociopaths and victims. Becker's writings in particular strikes a chord with me every time I read them Sometimes I read a new post and don't even need to see who has written it, I know the minute I connect, it is him. In no uncertain terms, he nails it about sociopaths/malignant narcissists. It should be noted while all sociopaths are narcissistic, not all narcissists are sociopathic. I will provide a link to some of his articles and I hope that you find the solace I did when I read them. The only way to get through this horrible ordeal is to understand and process what has happened to you. I know first hand, you want to understand it. You will not be able to fully understand it because your thinking does not occur in the same manner as the pathological individual but, it will give you some idea of what is going on up there in "no man's land". This will help you counter attack his narcissistic rages, see through his lies and deceptions and give yourself all the information you need to gather your wits and then hopefully your belongings to get away from the sheer detriment this person can cause. You will change when the pain to do so is less than the pain not to. Be sure though, the Narcissist/sociopath (they have many overlapping traits) can and will not. While reading each entry the reader will identify with the characteristics of their pathological partner and as their self as a victim and reason why they stay tied to their abuser. Below is the link to Steve Becker's blog. As a victim I have read many books, many websites and many blogs. Each piece of information brings me better understanding and more healing and composure.
http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/category/authors/steve-becker-lcsw/
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