Learning and support from websites and blogs

While trying to figure out the person that I was involved with, I had a suspicion that he may have an anti-social personality disorder. I didn't know much about the diagnosis but, I know he had trouble with crowds (it's like a psycho ward, his exact terminology was). When we spent time together it was usually holed up inside, away from others. This was a hard adjustment for me because I am very social as I had worked in retail nearly 20 years and before that I tended bar and waited tables, all of which require some form of congeniality. I earned a Bachelor's degree in History and upon meeting new people, especially immigrants I though each new meeting would offer a piece of history and culture to which I had not been exposed. There were many indications from his behavior and words, of which I should not have ignored when I listened to and observed them to firm up my suspicion of anti social personality disorder. First and foremost, the Narcissists was elusive about almost every aspect of his life.(red flag)  I learned later on from a former girlfriend that he had a 20 year old son that he signed away parental rights to. He had no work history that could fill a resume (red flag). He eluded to his own abandonment by his father and many times was angry upon any talk of it, as well as his whole family that lived in another country,  on another continent (red flag),  I think I should have put that one together quicker. The Narcissist hated all  different races, all religious beliefs and was filled with prejudice (red flag ) . His term for Mexicans was "beaners",  he was of German descent and his terms for Jews was nothing I wish to share. He had preconceived notions about people of different races and was hostile about them (never to their face, he always, always wore his mask) and always had something negative to say about those he felt were "underneath" him . His dream was to buy a boat, keep it docked somewhere and when he grew tired of the people around him, up and leave and dock his boat somewhere else (red flag). Who thinks like this? He also wanted to be "the commander of his own vessel", which held a double entendre. While he wanted to own his own boat, he also didn't want to have to answer to anyone; not a boss, not the government and especially not a life long partner(that I learned much later). His dream was to use his live aboard boat to provide charters to visiting tourists in each of the ports he would visit. Come to think of it, he met me as a tourist and I think that the anonymity that this opportunity provided him was of huge advantages. In "Without Conscience" by Robert Hare, PhD he writes many sociopaths target people in bars, clubs and tourist venues. With a tourist, the Narcissist could be anybody he wanted to be. In his "fantasy world" that is exactly who he was. He had a whole community believing he was a Gulf War veteran and in the USMC for 8 years. While part of the Corp, he also claimed he was an MP and carried out many important secret missions (all lies).  I did finally access his military records, as authorized under the Freedom of Information Act, through the Fake Warriors project http://www.fakewarriors.org . In actuality,  he was in the Corp for about 10 months and discharged. After that he re-enlisted in the USAF and served for about 18 months, and was then again discharged, not finishing a two year service in either branch. The discharge status is not allowed to be released under the FOIA. The Narcissist claims that it is his right to have secrets and he is right, everyone has "skeletons in their closet" but, this was not a secret rather an all out fabrication.  A secret may have played out something like this." I was in the service for about two years and did serve overseas. That service included time in the USMC" . That was not how he represented it. He use this ruse much to his gain. This "service" (I use the term loosely) occurred about 1988, when I met him in 2007, he still looked like he was a career military man. In fact I asked him, "Are you a jarhead?" the first time I met him. "Why yes ma'am I am".   No sir (to which he does not deserve that distinction), you are not. He wore military style dress, cami colors, olive drab, khaki, and even combat boots, almost like he was stuck in a time warp. He also appeared to be a life size GI Joe. This is exactly "the mask" he chose. With this belief in place, he didn't have to explain his lifelong failures and trail of used and discarded victims. When people think of member of our armed services, especially Marines, they think of honorable men and women instantly, upon meeting. This was used an illusion to gain immediate admiration and respect, to which he deserved none. Men and women willing to put their lives at risk to defend and preserve our country, our way of life and our freedom all deserve great respect, to which he rode their coattails. I had witnessed strangers in bars buy him drinks and thank him for his service. We would be in public places and people would shake his hand and thank him for his service. All of this was that admiration and adulation that he needed to fill his void. It is a gross misrepresentation. Recently, legislation has been passed to make lying about military service a crime (http://www.boston.com/news/nation/washington/articles/2012/09/13/house_makes_lying_about_military_service_a_crime/), a brilliant move, but not far enough. This is where fake warriors comes in,  reporting and running people's names of "fake military" members. To me, there is something utterly vile about lying about military service and it discredits and trivializes the real sacrifices made by the men and women of our armed forces. I didn't learn the true magnitude of the lies that were told to me until well after the encounter, when I tried to process what had just happened to me and create a timeline of his accounts and to try and verify the truthfulness of it. If letting me down was an Olympic sport, he was a gold medal winner. There was not an ounce of truth to almost anything he said. This behavior is meant to confuse the listener, for the sociopath to gain the upper hand and not allow his "true self" to be seen by perspective supply sources.  It is mind boggling the depth of the lies and misrepresentations. What is so ironic is the sociopath many times told me I was the biggest liar he knew. (I recognize this now as "projection")  (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychological_projection). I have received a "school of hard knocks" education. Yes, it behooved the sociopath to live a transient/nomadic lifestyle. This way most of his "encounters" would not be able to piece together that in actuality he was a vagrant (someone who lives with no visible means of support)  and a con man.
 While on my quest to identify the person perpetrating the fraud upon me, I Googled the term antisocial personality disorder and came up with the term sociopath. This new term yielded and c the Lovefraud blog.  I was able to identify the sociopath/pathological narcissist for what he in fact was. It was all somewhat frightening, because the man I loved never existed.  That charming, sweet man was a complete fabrication. The real man, was in fact a sociopath and pahological narcissist. I  was now faced with the humiliation and shame that I was only used to for him to "grift" his way through life. It is a sad dose of reality. I would have been perfectly happy to not know people like this exist. I was naive. While visiting the Lovefraud blog, I really felt one writer stood out and  fully understood the monster  that had used, hurt and discarde me. The very first article that hit home was "The Silent (but deadly) treatment (http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2009/05/07/the-silent-but-deadly-treatment/)  It by  the writer Steve Becker a LCSW, he is by far my favorite contributor but all of the blog writers and the blog owner deserve to be mentioned for their help in creating and understanding sociopaths and victims. Becker's writings in particular strikes a chord with me every time I read them Sometimes I read a new post and don't even  need to see who has written it, I know the minute I connect, it is him.  In no uncertain terms, he nails it about sociopaths/malignant narcissists. It should be noted while all sociopaths are narcissistic, not all narcissists are sociopathic. I will provide a link to some of his articles and I hope that you find the solace I did when I read them. The only way to get through this horrible ordeal is to understand and process what has happened to you. I know first hand, you want to understand it. You will not be able to fully understand it because your thinking does not occur in the same manner as the pathological individual but, it will give you some idea of what is going on up there in "no man's land".  This will help you counter attack his narcissistic rages, see through his lies and deceptions and give yourself all the information you need to gather your wits and then hopefully your belongings to get away from the sheer detriment this person can cause. You will change when the pain to do so is less than the pain not to. Be sure though, the Narcissist/sociopath (they have many overlapping traits) can and will not. While reading each entry the reader will identify with the characteristics of their pathological partner and as their self as a victim and reason why they stay tied to their abuser.  Below is the link to Steve Becker's blog. As a victim I have read many books, many websites and many blogs. Each piece of information brings me better understanding and more healing and composure.


http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/category/authors/steve-becker-lcsw/

The cruel abuser

The abuse a victim incurs from the Narcissist comes in many forms. During the initial and into the devaluing stages of a relationship with a Narcissist the abuse is covert (http://www.drirene.com/forms/more_covert_abuse.htm ). As the relationship progresses so too does the  abuse, it now becomes more overt  and much more mean spirited. During the discard phase the abuse is out right cruel. It is meant to sting and leave it's victim emotionally battered. When the Narcissist has sucked the life out of his victim and she no longer is willing to adore him or idolize him because of the increasing severity of abuse, she begins to fight back to try and regain her self esteem. The Narcissist being paranoid and in need of the constant narcissistic supply, and desperate to keep his illness a secret,  must now take measures to do damage control. This damage control is meant to weaken and break the will of his victim . He wants her to be silenced and believe she was the cause of all that was wrong in the relationship. The covert abuse is gone and the game plan is seek and destroy. The Narcissist knows he is on his way to a new supply, or has even found one so, to use the old adage he will be more than happy to  "kick her when she is down" so his secret stays safe. During the discard phase, I had no idea what was happening. I called the Narcissist several times to talk about the behavior that was occurring. Most times he would not answer the phone (an abuse form called withholding). When I did reach him he would pick up and I would be at the other end of his narcissistic rage. Then, I didn't know what was going on. I was completely unaware of the evil I was in close proximity to but, now all bets were off. His "mask" of normalcy was now off. It was sheer pleasure for him to bring me to tears. His response to the crying was " what the hell is wrong with you?" " I am grief stricken" was my reply. I lost someone I loved and that I believed to be my best friend, none of which I knew was an act. He said" well, unstrick yourself and don't call me again". Not believing or comprehending what was going on, I called back several times, upset at his reaction, to which was only met with even crueler words..Don't call me again you whore, you c*nt, you are nothing but a pig and a cow. I don't want to ever hear from you again. I tried to remain composed and said I know you don't mean that, so why are you saying it? His response was I mean every word. He was done with me and on to the next victim. There was no ending on good terms, I was simply  discarded, it didn't phase him in the least as he had his new supply source in place. It was just that simple to him. There were no more niceties or courtesies, it was an all out assault, meant to be cruel and leave me (the victim) devastated, so the soulless Narcissist could feel powerful over breaking her do own. The Narcissist lacks empathy and conscience, so the other 95% of the population would never do this, nor understand how a human being could. The victim as a part of the 95% of the normal "feeling" population is left with unanswered questions, raw emotions and unbearable pain. There are no apologies, no last goodbyes, no closure.  I would imagine no human being would like this type of treatment, let alone from someone they loved, deeply cared about and helped during the course of the relationship, with the inane hope that the Narcissist would come around and change. The fact is the Narcissist is incapable of change, furhtermore he believes there is nothing wrong with him and there is no need for change. He is like a hurricane swirling victims off their feet and leaving everything in the victim's path turned upside down. The real impact of what the Narcissist does comes some time later when he himself reminisces of his past abuse. The narcissist once said  " I can't believe you would do anything to help me, I was such a piece of shit to you (somehow that didn't make me feel better because now I was fully aware that he was aware of what he was doing) and the I never mean to hurt you....really? what did you mean to do when you called me those horrendous names, or just one day decided not to pick up your phone?  The Narcissist does not want the victim to retaliate so will say just about anything to avoid this, even hint at, or threaten suicide. He will never do it, it's all to feign his sorrow, which he feels none. He just does not want to be exposed for what he truly is. I often wonder how many people he abused and left in the same manner, that thought or contemplated suicide. I am sure he didn't care if they did or didn't well,  maybe he in fact would care if they did, because that kind of influence is a powerful jolt of supply. They say suicide occurs when the pain is no longer bearable to the person experiencing it. I would imagine every one of the Narcissist's victims has felt this unimaginable pain, but not the Narcissist himself. He feels empty and lost because of the poor decisions and choices he has made throughout his life but, without being able to feel true love, I would doubt he could ever feel that depth of  his victim's adness.  What the Narcissist hopes, is that his victim will never be as ambivalent to his feelings, or cruel to him , the way he has been to so many others. He is counting on the fact that they won't. They are too nice and that is exactly why he chose them as his victim. Ted Bundy pretended to have a broken leg and women would stop to assist him, he would use that ruse on many victims. They would bend down to pick up a book he dropped and he would push them in the back of his car and I think we all know the rest. He knew that most people are inherently good, he was defective and used their goodness as a conduit to conduct his evil plans. Quite the same as the narcissist, although he is not looking to kill his victim, only their spirit and everything that is good about them. Many victims even after the discard remain loyal to their betrayer. This is what the Narcissist hopes. He will use any manipulation to get his victim, that he has just run over with a steam roller, to be compliant. " Why are you doing this to me?" " I never meant to hurt you?" and other cries of innocence will be his tactics. These are just more head games to play upon your heartstrings.  Do not be fooled, hurting people  is just what the Narcissist meant to do. He feels completed nothingness in his life and wants everyone to feel as miserable as he does. Misery does love company and narcissist love to make people miserable. They are emotional vampires, sucking all the goodness out of their victims to try and feed his loathsome self and then when he's done he will start the cycle all over again, no matter how painful it is for the people, or lives he has destroyed.  The victim is truly the one with a "target on her back" , from the first time the Narcissist summed her up and found her to have all the qualities he has never possessed in his miserable existence. The game is on and the unwilling victim has no idea of her impending fate. The Narcissist knows the true nature of the tete-a-tete and revels in his mastery of the dance. Each phase so well rehearsed and each victim measured and observed to increase the intensity for the next victim. It is a convoluted and cruel relationship,with the Narcissist holding all the power and control and delighting in the game, from seduction to destruction. He is fully aware what he is doing, Yes, he means to hurt because if he can witness the hurt he causes, just like a serial killer this is how he gets pleasure in his unfeeling soul. The Narcissist is bewildered when his victim strikes back and will convey how much this behavior hurts him. He doesn't feel sadness, he feels his "entitlement" has been withdrawn and his grandiose ego is hurt. He believes he is above this type of behavior. You had the opportunity to spend time with him, why would you want to take away a chance of that  happening again? He is also a coward and does not want to be called on his pathological behavior and will minimize his role and not want any form of punishment. He will deny his responsibility and shift the blame onto his victim. Just like Hitler, who killed himself to avoid answering for his monstrous behavior, the Narcissist does not want to be called on his behavior and will go to great lengths not to be exposed for the vile sub human being that he is.  He will use anything he can over your head, including family and friends. He will then try the pity play, "you are ruining my life"...etc...but, trust in this- he does not care one iota what he has done to your life. Everything was and is about him, everything was for his gratification, even when he was seducing the victim. It was only done to gain the narcissistic supply, for him to see his image through her (believing he was a good and decent person) and feed off of that misconception.  He is not capable of being either a good nor a decent person, or even a person for that matter. During the devalue phase he is searching for,  or with someone else while extracting still  some form of  supply from his current victim, possibly in the form of her scurrying about to try and please him. " See how wonderful I am, this woman will do anything to please me", actually using his victim's love for him as a weapon to be used on herself. Then, last and certainly not least in the Narcissist's arsenal and further narcissistic supply is the discard phase. This is when the all out nuking occurs. He is volatile, outright vindictive and cruel. This to most people would not even be a type of behavior that is comprehensible but, the Narcissist feeds off the frenzy of his victim and her broken spirit. He takes great pride and feels indeed superior to his victim. To him, she is pathetic and not worth the dirt under his shoes. The victim has been made to feel this way from her abuser as well.. He feels more important than ever, so much more omnipotent than his true insignificant self. The victim remains in this altered state  until she can take back the power by exposing the Narcissist and his game so that he may not enact it on another unsuspecting victim. She also wants all to know the real person behind the mask. Just think how differently, as a victim your role would have been if there was knowledge as to the kind of person (or non person in this case) you are dealing with. Silence is acceptance. When the victim is done with the "shock" and grief that occurs she will realize and accept exactly the role she played in the Narcissists game. Hopefully, she will dust herself off, release herself of all the toxicity and negativeness from the pathological Narcissist and begin to fight back. She may go in and out of forgiveness and anger. The forgiveness is not necessarily for the Narcissist rather, the opportunity for the victim to rid herself of the negative energy. There is a saying that hating someone is a lot like drinking a bottle of poison and wanting the other person to die. That hate will eventually be released, the victim will move on, a little wiser, a little stronger but, no more loyal to her abuser.

The abuser as victim

The narcissistic abuser uses many methods to gain narcissistic supply. Initially he presents a "false self" for his victim to gain admiration and adulation. During the course of the "relationship" the narcissist will extract other things from his victim such as gifts or money when the initial narcissistic supply begins to wane.  He uses pity plays to extort favors from his victim. While the victim is being coerced into helping the narcissist financially, the narcissist  must keep up some type of facade. To do this he will engage in insincere acts of intermittent reinforcements. After a bout of narcissistic rage, the narcissist feels good after "projecting" all of his maladies on to his unsuspecting victim. She is left dumbfounded and an emotional wreck. She is eager to do what she can to get back on the narcissist's good side. He at this point relies on two things to help him gain the tangible things that he wants to coerce from his victim.
First he will blame her for everything that is wrong within the relationship. He will explain that he is doing nothing wrong and that her emotional outbursts and retaliation are driving him away and making him feel badly. He will claim to be the victim. He will tell everyone that will listen that he is being victimized. Any additional narcissistic supply is always appreciated. What may be strange is that the narcissist actually believes his own delusions. As wonderful and magnificent as he is, his behavior is to be tolerated without question or reciprocation. At this point he will use the victim's guilt  to "con" her  into giving him what he wants. I might feel better if you could buy me this pair of sunglasses (with a $250 price tag). The victim so anxious about the opportunity to get in the good graces of the narcissist and alleviate herself of guilt,  will comply. She will do just about anything to calm him down and stop the horrible name calling and blatant abuse he takes out on her. You may think this is like a child acts when they want something their mother won't buy for them.  If you are thinking that, you are absolutely correct. Early on the narcissist learned how to get what he wants and never truly maturing into adult emotions and responsibilities he reverts back to his earliest form of manipulation. If you want the tirade to stop and to get some peace, you had better give me what I want. Remember the victim is just an extension of the narcissist, there for his immediate gratification and nothing more so she better act accordingly.
If this doesn't work, he will play the pity card. Why are you so angry with me? I love you and all you do is hurt me? You have broken my heart. The victim, who is still not fully aware of the full magnitude of the narcissist's covert abuse is confused. Yes, she is angry with him but, maybe she did do something to hurt him and make him angry. She thinks " he says he still loves me, maybe he is sorry for what he has done to me for the umpteenth time, certainly if I do what he wants, he will not be so unhappy".  What did she do to get his so upset and hurt him so badly?  The victim now feels like the abuser and is riddled with guilt and self doubts. What the victim doesn't realize at that point,  is she is being manipulated again by the pathological narcissist. He knows she is genuinely good and caring and those things can be used to play her heartstrings. He will be able at this point to con her into just about anything, whether it be sexual or financial. She is ripe for the picking. He knows what he wants and he knows just how to get it. He has honed his craft over a lifetime, first from his early infancy and now well into adulthood. The abuser has now convinced the victim that he is in fact the victim. The actual victim feels badly about making the person she loves so depressed. The narcissist may feign tears and talk about suicide, anything to get her to be the one to take on the guilt. She represses her anger and need for vengeance because of her own guilt. The victim has now been conned to believe that she is  the perpetrator and now the narcissist will use this for his personal gain as long as he can. The victim keeps hoping if she acquiesces to the abuser's wants and needs that he will return to the idealized "false self" persona that she fell in love with early on in the relationship . This temporarily may happen. He has secured his narcissistic supply and is pretty smitten to have been able to pull the wool of her eyes one more time. He feels superior to her and will reap the rewards that she gives to relieve herself of her guilt.
To the outsider this behavior is not understandable. Why doesn't she just leave, why doesn't she just stop putting up with his nonsense?  The answer is in the manipulation and the narcissists conditioning of his victim. There was a study conducted, I don't know by who, I can't remember the full details but, it   showed how manipulation and classic conditioning work. The study was consisted of a mouse inside a cage that everyday would receive food and water when he went to to the corner of the cage. This went on for several weeks. One day the mouse returns to the corner and in place of the food and water, he receives an electric shock. The mouse is confused and of course the shock sets off discomfort and anxiety. He is hungry and wants the food and water he expected to get. He returns to the corner and is again shocked. He scurries away and stays away, not wanting to be shocked once more. The next day he returns to the corner still craving food and water but,  is shocked again. This happens for a few days until one day when he returns to the corner and is given the food and water (intermittent reinforcement. The mouse is calmed and gratified once more. Thankfully the shocks have stopped. Now the mouse can have his food and water everyday again without the shock, or so he thinks.
This same conditioning is exactly what the narcissist does to his victim. The food and water are the equivalent to  his love and approval. When the victim first met the narcissist, the relationship was inebriating. Feel good hormones were released (endorphins) all during the idealization phase. The narcissist was charming and loving. Now he is abusive and volatile. The victim will do just about anything to return to the state when everything felt so good and the narcissist was so perfect but, much like the mouse she will only be shocked and see that "false self" from time to time, when the narcissist fears that he has completely turned his victim off. He better do something charming and sweet, or the victim is sure not to put up with anymore of his outlandish behavior. By quickly reinforcing her behavior he has not  allowed her to see that he uses her pity and guilt as weapons against her.His abuse is covert and serves a distinct purpose, to gain what he wants at all costs. If the narcissist plays the victim or pretends to be the one who has been hurt, the victim feels guilty and does whatever it is the narcissist wants. When she does so, the narcissist gives her  intermittent reinforcement. Temporarily the victims is calmed and the narcissist is satisfied until he wants something else, or is found to be guilty of bad behavior.  It is a sick and twisted game. What is really  sick and twisted about the game is much like the lab experimentation, only the experimenter knows it is being conducted. This devaluation phase is quite different then the idealized phase but, still the narcissistic abuser is able to extract his supply and with his victim looking to do anything to please the narcissist, he  begins to scour for a new victim to begin the  cycle all again. He will start the idealized phase with someone else, while he is in the devalue phase with his current victim. When the current victim is discarded, the new victim will move into the next phase and he will secure a new victim. All of this for his gratification. I have one person that sees me as wonderful and the one that doesn't see me as so wonderful, I can manipulate and take what I need. The narcissist that I knew always said "drink until the well runs dry". I never understood the full magnitude of his mantra, until now.